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Ten Steps to Attract Your Ideal Relationship
By Rinatta Paries
Originally published in ByRegion Newsletter, A Healing Arts Newsletter fromByRegion’s HealerPages.info . 10/31/02
Everyone has an idea of their perfect relationship, their ideal relationship. And what we all want from this ideal relationship is lots of love and true connection. Below are ten steps to get you to that kind of relationship. As you read over the steps, keep in mind that everyone who has created a successful, loving relationship has taken these steps. For some people these steps are intuitive, taken automatically. For most of us they need to be deliberately taken.
1. Let Go of the Past
The first step toward attracting and creating your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by dropping the baggage from your past. Baggage refers to resentments, hurts, and fears. Some people carry their hurts, resentments, and fears as badges of honor, or learn from them as if they were undisputable life lessons. They are neither. They are byproducts of unfortunate situations. The sooner you can truly let go of this baggage, the less likely you are to recreate bad situations.
2. Discover Old Relationship Patterns
Before you can attract and create your ideal relationship, you need to take inventory of how you behave in relationships. Why? If your past relationships have not worked out, you are at least fifty percent responsible. If you don’t clearly see what you did to end those relationships, you are powerless to experience anything else. Look at all aspects of your relationship behavior, from what you do when you first meet someone to what you do in a long-term relationship. Also want to take inventory of what you believe about relationships and the opposite sex.
3. Discover and Celebrate Needs
To have a successful relationship, you need to recognize, honor and fulfill your own needs. There is a direct correlation between the quality of your relationships and your ability to recognize and meet your needs. What’s more, your needs are THE criteria for choosing a partner. Be sure to choose a partner who will satisfy your long-term (not your short-term) needs. Choosing a partner to meet short-term needs guarantees the relationship will not last.
Example of a long-term need: a life partner who has a compatible view on life.
Example of a short-term need: someone to help you feel less lonely right now.
4. Establish Strong Boundaries
The fourth step toward attracting and creating your ideal relationship is developing and honoring your boundaries or limits. To know and honor your limits build your self-esteem while earning the respect of others. Why do you need to have boundaries in a loving relationship? Even the best of partners will inevitably do some things that will not be ok with you. If you say nothing, your partner will not know or pay attention to how his or her actions negatively affect you. That will be the start of a good relationship gone bad.
Boundaries also greatly enhance your ability to select the right partner. The wrong partner will cross your boundaries fairly early into the relationship. If you are aware, the wrong partner can be quickly recognized.
5. Define Your Ideal Relationship
Another important step is to define your ideal relationship and partner. This is the one step that everyone seems to know about; however, the popular version of this exercise will only serve to keep you out of a relationship and lonely, as it will have you create a fantasy.
To define your true ideal relationship and partner, ask yourself not what you want but what you need. What can you not live without in a relationship? What do you need to thrive? What do you need from a partner day to day?
To purge fantasy from your definition, ask yourself what you want from another that you are not willing to do or be yourself.
6. Redefine Socializing
The sixth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is redefining why and how you socialize. Chances are you have participated in many social situations simply as a way to meet available partners. And chances are that you were either not very successful, or that the relationships formed this way crumbled quickly. My advice may seem to be a paradox; if you want to meet your ideal partner, stop looking for her or him. Socialize as a way to create a rich, satisfying life and as a way to create a supportive, vibrant community. Be social to enhance your life and not to look for a partner. When you life works and you are happy, the right partner will be drawn to you.
7. Develop a Life Vision
Focus on creating the kind of life you want. Your ideal partner is just around the corner of your ideal life.
What is your ideal life? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do for a living? How much money do you want to make? What do you want to contribute to the world?
The key to creating your ideal life is to make yourself happy now and to set yourself up to be happy in the future, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship.
8. Develop New Relationship Patterns
In order to attract your ideal relationship, you need to develop new relationship patterns to replace your old ineffective patterns.
The essence of your new relationship patterns is your ability to do the following six things:
See people for who they are and not for who you want them to be or who you are afraid they are. Recognize your attraction to people, understand why you are attracted to them and have a choice in what you will do about it.
Know what you need and be able to assess if a potential partner is able and willing to meet your needs. Know and respect your boundaries and communicate when they are crossed or endangered. Be clear about your definition of an ideal relationship and be able to assess if a potential partner has the capacity to co-create that kind of relationship with you.
Have a rich and satisfying social life, one where your needs for companionship are well met.
9. Strengthen Faith
The ninth step in being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is strengthening your faith—your relationship with the universal source.
It is guaranteed that at one point or another in this process of attracting your ideal relationship you will feel as if everything you have done has produced absolutely no results. Faith will be the one thing you will have to count on.
Having faith will keep you from going back to old behaviors in an effort to speed up results.
How do you strengthen faith and build a relationship with the universal source? Each person’s path is his or her own. Find yours.
10. Develop a New Set of Dating Behaviors
The final step toward attracting and creating your ideal relationship is about learning how to begin a relationship once you have attracted your ideal partner.
How you and your partner interact with each other at the beginning of your relationship will lay the foundation for how you relate to each other for the duration. It will either guarantee a lifetime partnership or a breakup.
The essence of co-creating a lifetime partnership is to move slow and spend quality time interacting in person. Phone and email are not the same. Most importantly, build a relationship on a foundation of 100% honesty. A relationship built on such a foundation has the potential to last a lifetime.
(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visitwww.WhatItTakes.com where you’ll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"